


By The Sea Shore

by DizzyDrea



Series: Reflections [1]
Category: JAG
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-01
Updated: 2010-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:57:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizzyDrea/pseuds/DizzyDrea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harm’s thoughts on the day of Mac’s wedding</p>
            </blockquote>





	By The Sea Shore

**Author's Note:**

> No song inspired this…I was just bored at work one day.
> 
> JAG and all its particulars is the property of Donald P. Belisarius, Belisarius Productions, Paramount Television, NBC Productions and a lot of other people who aren't me. I'm doing this for fun and for practice. Mostly for fun.

~o~

I am not a coward. No one in my life would call me a coward. And I have never done anything remotely cowardly…until now.

Maybe that’s not the right word. Maybe self-preservation is a better description. Because I really am trying to keep it all together. Because I know that if I think about it—about her—too much, I’ll fall apart. Now there would be a sight to see: the tough fighter jock, able to land a $42 million aircraft on a rolling carrier deck in near zero visibility and not lose his cool, falling apart over a woman.

Trouble is she isn’t just any woman. She’s the woman of my dreams. But I realized that too late and now I’m paying for it. She chose someone else because I wasn’t ready to give her everything she wanted, everything she deserves.

It’s ironic, really. I always seem to get what I want. I was able to go to the Academy, become a fighter pilot like my dad and grandfather, change careers and become a successful lawyer, return to flying and then return to the courtroom when I’d proven I could still fly with the best of them. But when it comes to love, I can’t seem to get it right.

Not that I haven’t had opportunities. She bared her soul to me, not once, but twice, and I was too stupid to take advantage of it both times. When I left to fly again, she tried to tell me how she felt about me, but I didn’t want to hear. I was afraid if I let myself believe that she was telling me that she loved me that my heart wouldn’t let me leave. So I pretended it was nothing more than friendship, and I left.

And don’t even get me started on that night on the ferry in Australia. She came right out and asked me when it would be our turn, when would I finally let go with her. I told her not yet, because I was afraid that we would lose our friendship if we tried and failed. And I was afraid that bringing all my problems to this relationship would doom it to fail from the start. I should have known then that I was afraid for nothing. She already knows all about my problems. Hell, she was there for most of them. They’ve only served to bring us closer in the past; to strengthen an already strong bond. And I just couldn’t believe it enough to let go.

And when I finally did come out and say what I should have said many times over in many different situations using many different words, I did it at her engagement party, of all places. Now I’m not usually this inept. I’m a lawyer and words are supposed to be my stock in trade, but they always seem to fail me where she is concerned. Maybe that’s because she doesn’t let my charm, wit and smooth demeanor fool her. She never has. But I still could have picked a better time. She even said so, and she was right.

So here I sit, on the beach in California, hiding. After my carrier quals I was supposed to return to DC to attend the wedding, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit there and watch her walk down the aisle with someone else and wish the whole time it was me she was pledging her life and love to. I know she wanted me there, really needed me to come support her as her best friend. But that’s not what I want to be for her anymore. So I ran away to California.

I had hoped that sitting on the beach, listening to the waves crash against the shore, smelling the salt-scrubbed air would help clear my mind, help me to get past all this. I was wrong. All I have now is time to think. And all I can think about is her.

My mom is beginning to worry about me. She knows what today is just as well as I do. Thankfully she has opted not to ask me about it. I think she knows that I don’t want to talk about it. Can’t really, because talking about it will make it too real, and I’m just not ready to deal with it yet.

I know I’ll have to when I get back. The Admiral was kind enough to give me a few days leave, and when I get back, she’ll be away on her honeymoon. But soon enough she’ll return as Mrs. Michael Brumby and I’m just not sure how I’ll handle it. One thing’s for sure: our friendship will never be the same. As much as we might like to be, we can’t ever be as close as we once were, and that’s the hardest part of all.

I said as much to her before I left. Oh not in person. I couldn’t have gotten two words out if I’d wanted to. But I wrote her a letter. I told her that I was glad that she was finding the happiness she so richly deserves. And that I will always treasure our times together. And that I will always love her. I don’t know if she got the letter, but it doesn’t matter. They were things I had to say.

I only wish that she were here now so that I could say them again and see her eyes. She’s never been able to hide what she’s feeling from me. It’s always been in her eyes. But I can’t wish things like that, because those wishes won’t come true.

All I can do is try to get through this moment, and then the next, and then the next. And maybe one day it won’t feel like my heart is broken into tiny pieces. And maybe one day I’ll be able to laugh again. But I don’t think I’ll ever love again…not the way I love her.

~Finis


End file.
